Tag Archives: Christmas

Depressing

9 Dec

The holidays for me…..are depressing.  At least right now.  During the day, I am able to put on my reindeer antlers and jingle bell necklace and smile about the Elf moving at night.  I make hot cocoa in the mornings and sometimes at night, and we watch Christmas movies while surrounded by our gleeful decorations.  But I am so sour.  I’m not the Grinch, I don’t hate happiness.  In fact, I love and long to see the happiness of others, especially my kids, to prove that my faking it is worth something.  That I am accomplishing even the smallest of feats in not diminishing the Christmas magic that fills the heart of so many.  Especially my kids.  The fact is that the main family I grew up celebrating Christmas with according to my memories was as follows: My Mom, my Dad, my Nana, My little brother Jake, most times my Aunt Linda, Uncle Stu, cousin Jacki, and sometimes my Aunt Juli, Uncle Butch, and cousins Dawn, Jeff, Heather and Todd.

So back to my basic Christmas.  All I have left is my Dad, and he lives far away.  Even out of my extended family, my Uncle Stu is gone, and my cousins Jeff and Todd are lost in time, never to speak of again.  At least, neither appear to care to have anything to do with me.

I have nothing left from my childhood.

My youngest asked me while we were hanging ornaments, “Mommy, what ornaments are from when you were little?” I just replied “none”  Because with the exception of a stuffed animal and a couple dolls, there truly is nothing left from my childhood.

My husband thinks I am a hoarder.  I refuse to throw away any craft or home-made ornament made by my kids And i think a big part of that is having little to nothing from my family, or even from myself when i was small.  I think about what I could show my grand children about their heritage.  I have almost nothing.  I realize my past doesn’t determine who I am, but it’s still nice to have something to belong to, to know where you came from.

The song “where Are You Christmas” by Faith Hill has always resonated with me.  But no year as much as this.

Where are you Christmas?  I’m looking, but….life is such a crowded path to get to you.