I gave birth to you!

28 Feb

I did it today.  He got all smiley faces at school, so I let him choose dinner.  He chose Cheese Manicotti based on pictures, and I was really impressed since his last request was Hamburger Helper.  I had a spark of pride, thinking that my attempts at gourmet cooking, and all my “You have to try it before you can hate it!” conversations at the dinner table had finally paid off.  Ha! Take that all you moms who serve nothing but cheeseburgers, kraft macncheese, and tuna helper!  Then….he called them “Cheese Tubes”.  I really just got sidetracked.  So after the glow of the smiley faces wares off…..he comes back.  By back, I mean throwing shoes at his brother….standing on the furniture singing “I’m sexy and I know it”….thowing the football in the house…….chasing his brother, making him run into the walls….screaming at his brother to scare him….and ultimately, my breaking point…..pillow fights that almost knock over my special wine glass….half-filled with my favorite “mommy juice”….Apothic Red.  This time, though, I didn’t yell.  I called him over, and made him sit on my lap.

This is what I said:

“Do you know how long you were in my tummy?”

(shakes head)

“a whole year!” (yes, I know I lied, but he wouldn’t have understood how long 40 weeks is)


“yes….and during that year, I threw up all the time (not true, but it could’ve been), I couldn’t eat my favorite foods because they tasted funny, or smelled funny for no reason, My hands got swollen, my feet and toes got swollen, my toes looked like little sausages so I couldn’t take my socks off, I was too fat to shave my legs or paint my toenails so my toenails got really ugly, I had to let doctors look at my no-no spot every week, I got funny looking scratch marks on my tummy, it hurt to walk, it hurt to sit, it hurt to sleep, none of my clothes fit me, I couldn’t hug anyone because my tummy was so big……and THEN! when the doctor took you out of my tummy, it hurt sooooooo bad! I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days, with needles in my arms.  And at first, I couldn’t feel my legs(due to an epidural, although he doesn’t need to know that I chose that), I couldn’t walk, I had to be wheeled in a wheelchair, and I was really tired.”

“Holy crap”

“Soooo, since mommy went through allllll of that, just so you could live…….and be a happy, healthy, little boy…..don’t you think that you could maybe at least…..listen?  Just listen to Mommy when I ask you to be good, and be nice?”

(shakes head yes)

And ever since, I’ve had perfection fr a 6 yr old son.  Let’s see how long this lasts.


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